as pretty as a picture hangin' from a fixture

Ah, Christmas. Spending time with family members who don't really like you. Fun.

Bought myself a CD on Amazon, Lenka's newish CD "Two."

I'm a little sick. Sore throat, stopped up nose, slight fever... all of that fun stuff. I spent the day watching A Christmas Story and then Despicable Me and then it was nap time. Woke up, had some leftover turkey and initiated a Grey's Anatomy marathon (ssn 3).

I have to be up at six thirty tomorrow, so bed isn't far away again.

I'm in need of a vacation. Blah.

Everything at Once - Lenka

you can be better all by yourself

This was an exhausting last few months.

Let's see, I'm not in the mood to write it all out especially with a couple of xanex's in my system so I'll just give a bit of an update.

School's out. I failed every class because I stopped going. My doctor thinks that I'm depressed because I have had a lot anxiety (especially when driving), I don't want to get out of bed in the morning, and I have no energy to face the day anymore. Therapy next week.

Black Friday was a fucking nightmare. I had to work at the Starbucks in Target from 11:40 pm until 10:20 am. Yeah. I wanted to kill myself. I came home, took two painkillers, and passed the fuck out. When I woke up, my mom had to bring me dinner in bed because I was so fucking sore that I couldn't force myself to get out of bed.

That's actually when the depressing shit started.

I met this guy. We met in mid-October and we've hung out a few times at his place. He's not from here, so he's already much cooler than the other guys that I've shagged over the years. Here's a little (maybe huge) bonus, though. He's fucking hot. We met online and when we met in person, not that I have low self-esteem anymore, but I was just like "shit he's too pretty for me." I was afraid to touch him and he made the first mood.

I don't really see us having a future, but it's way too early to be so pessimistic. Neither of us know exactly what we're looking for, so it's fine for now. He watched Buffy with me, having had no experience with the show. We watched the cheesey 90's pilot episode and enjoyed it. I hope that Buffy evenings continue, because that's all I want. I even told him, for the longest time I've just wanted someone to watch Buffy with and have sex with and he said "I'd like to be that guy." So yay.

Swimming laps at the Y, but their pool schedule is super inconvenient so I might be looking into Bob's Gym, which is 24 hrs and only ten bucks more a month. We'll see. :)

My job is stressful. The woman that I got the job over hates me and wants to get me into trouble, but I don't give a fuck about her. She's just bitter and has a sad, sad life.

My two gay friends have been terrible to me lately and I'm thinking that it's probably going to have to end for a while. Whatever, I deserve better.

Making several friends at work, so that's happy.

Okay, goodnight. <3

Don't Kick the Chair - Dia Frampton

it's a blacked out blur but I'm pretty sure it ruled

Oh, this personal essay is kicking my ass. I probably shouldn't have written about something so... ahem, personal? But I have a ton to write about it, I just feel like I sound completely stupid writing it. Y'know? Yeah.

Got my flu shot! I felt like a brave little soldier sitting in the chair at work, waiting for the pharmacist to stick me. It wasn't bad and I even got a band-aid with a little target dog on it! I felt twelve. :)

Getting a gym membership. Bought a bathing suit online today, when it arrives I'll get my membership at the Y where I can work out after work a few nights a week. Yay for getting into shape!

Last Friday Night - Katy Perry

we we we we so excited

So this was seriously the best birthday that I've ever had. Why? Let me count the ways...

- Jell-o shots. Wow. Yeah, definitely making those more often. (Apparently everyone was like, "These are SO strong!" I had like ten of 'em, I liked them...)

- Lots of awesome friends gathering in one place in honor of, well, me!

- Drag queens. Okay.

- Rum and coke.

- Tom Collins.

-Other assorted free drinks.

- Lots of gay men. Everywhere.

- Designated driver. A definite must.

- A drag queen did "Friday" by Rebecca Black. Ahahahaha.

- Stuffed crust pizza.

- It wasn't over yet....

- Saturday night sex and drinks.

- Sunday lunch at Red Lobster.

- Not doing a damn thing all weekend.

Yep. Best birthday ever.

Now if I can only get my shit together and start doing my actual school work on time. This is hard. Especially when the internets isn't working at home. Blah.

No music, but I currently have Friday stuck in my head. Yeah, you love me. (Glee version is actually GOOD, incase you didn't know.)

Sad. I feel sad. For you, so sad. You'll be left alone and broken bleeding from the heart when he doesn't come home.

So the votes are in and your new photo lab "assistant" whatever person who's in charge of ze photo lab is...

drumroll, please...

patience, grasshopper!

..

..

Moi.

Yes. I got the promotion! Yay me and all of my awesomeness.

Justin took me out for a celebratory dinner. That was the first time I'd really hung out with him since probably February or April. We didn't do anything, so don't get any ideas. He bought me a burger at Applebees and it was yummy. I fucking deserve it.

Tomorrow is my golden Birthday, so we shall see how that goes. Wish me lots of drunk, happy times.

Sad - Eisley (possibly one of my new favorite songs)

now girls, you're both pretty.

I had my interview yesterday and it went extremely well. My answers were what they were looking for and I sounded confident.

Honestly, if I don't get the job, I'm going to be horribly surprised.

Just so you know, you cannot bring in copywritten photos into a photo lab and expect them to print them without a copyright release. You're just stupid. Not only that, but you shouldn't leave the photos when there's a technical glitch and expect the person who opens to do your entire order for you. Don't do a project on a photo kiosk that is going to take several hours right before closing - dumbass.

So I'm taking a worthless class that won't transfer that I seriously CANNOT stand, and it's too late to drop it. Grr.

Will find out about the job by next week. Wish me luck!

Watching Megamind.

she's so hot she's making me sexist... bitch

I'm probably going to have a total bitch fit if I don't get this fucking promotion. I fucking NEED it, you know? The other person doesn't need it, she just wants to be in charge of me.

I've been working on Notches. Not actually writing out scenes like I thought that I was supposed to be doing, but jotting down information about characters and their relationships to one another.

Dude, everything happens in season three! Okay, there is some crazy shit in ssn two, but ssn three is like "WHOA holy drama."

I can't wait. It's all that I want to talk about, but I have no one to talk about it TO. Blah.

I got a haircut! Finally. I haven't had one since... uhm... April? Yeah, I'm a nasty cunt. I'm a broke bitch, gimme a break!

I made a chicken, bacon, ranch spinach wrap for myself and it was FANTASTIC.

Watched Tangled, it was pretty good. Zachary Levi was the voice of the main dude, how bad could it possibly be? But now I have an overwhelming urge to rewatch the entire Chuck series, which would be a great mini adventure, but I have no time. ):

Awkward guys at school, awkward random running into people that I didn't like in high school.

Damn, can't I just go back to Columbia where no one knew me? Oh, and don't forget about the amazingness that was the classes there. Right? I mean, jesus. What class do you get to write really vulgar stories about gay sex and shit? That'd be fiction writing. :)

Boom - Flight of the Conchords

click click click

Every time that I try to read my philosophy book, I just want to watch the Buffy episode of Beer Bad. Just thought that you should all know that.

Week two of classes is about to come to and end. I have my weird "how to succeed in community college" class tonight, then I'm free until Tuesday. Well, free in the sense that I don't have class... I still have to work every single day. And I have homework. Oh, the joys of going to school full time and working full time.

I'm having my interview on Wednesday for the photo lab position, so if someone out there is actually reading this... wish me luck, asshole.

I think that my English teacher is kind of hot... like, everyone else in the class keeps talking about how weird he is when he's not in the room. This one chick thinks that he reminds her of a serial killer. I think Dexter (Michael C Hall) is extremely attractive, so I don't really understand their problem. Either way, he's hot. Just sayin'.

On another note about English, I hate writing essays. I always feel like I sound completely stupid and I wish it could be like my fiction writing class. We just had a set amount of fiction writing that we had to do before the end of the semester. It was so lovely, I wrote all kinds of shit on my own time and it counted. I didn't have to worry about facts or worry about offending anyone. I wrote some pretty vulgar shit for my classes.

Shit, I miss Chicago. I just miss three years ago when everything, EVERYthing was different.

I've been trying to get a hold of my advisor to set up my classes for next semester, but she hasn't returned my phone calls. maybe I need to get a little more annoying? :)

Also, I'm in insane need of a haircut.

Well, that kept me busy for three minutes. Back to homework. At least I'm not in this heat slaving away at a certain theme park - it's seriously 100 degrees outside. It's fucking September! Cool the fuck down.

no music, just the sound of my fingers on keys.

men like you - you kill me.

So I survived my first day of school. Math was painfully boring, the teacher's first language was Chinese and she's really hard to understand and follow. Plus, I knew that I was bad at math, but I'm not THAT bad. Our first lesson was on how to add and subtract negatives. WTF?

Seriously, this girl actually raised her hand and asked, "So if you add -2 + -2... is that zero?" I wanted to ask her how she finished high school, but I just buried my head into my arm and died inside. At least I'll ace this class...

Saturday was HORRIBLE. Cashiering is terrible enough, but Saturday cashiering. Blech.

And then Sunday I had to be up at five in the morning and my allergies were bothering me. So I took a pill, but it didn't take long to realize that I took the WRONG pill. It was a painkiller... The kind where you take it and crash. Shit :( It was horrible, I felt like I was dying and my head was fuzzy all day.

Still waiting to hear about the job position. I did inventory for them yesterday, which I've never done. It was fine.

Work tomorrow, then class in the evening - English comp.

Oh, by the way, other than math I had Philosophy taught by a pastor. So this'll prove interesting.

Goodnight, all.

Currently watching Torchwood. Jack quote up there. ^

my heart stops, I already know

So the sister is moving back home. This is going to prove very annoying.

TORCHWOOD OMG. So good. Left it with a huge cliffhanger, so I'm going to go crazy waiting for the next episode. Oh, and some hot Jack being nakedness, so definitely a plus.

I have to cashier tomorrow from 8:30 until 5. I'm. Going. To. Die. I hate cashiering for a couple of hours, let alone for a full day. And I have to get up super early and everything. Grr arg. I hope I get this promotion - put in my application yesterday. Cross your fingers...

School starts up on Tuesday. Four days. Yikes. Four days and say goodbye to a social life. At least until my birthday, when I've asked the entire weekend off and plan on getting totally shit faced. Yay!

Spoke to a guy that I used to talk to a lot back in the day. If he wasn't so geographically undesirable, I'd probably marry him. Just sayin'. Also, I think that I'm pan sexual. I just figured out what this meant the other day, but I'm pretty sure that this is what I am.

My crushes/feelings aren't restricted to sex, I fall for personality.

Sounds like me. And a couple of prior situations. I was also completely infatuated by this girl that I had theatre class with back at Columbia. I wanted her to play the main character in my show... and I also wanted to ask her out. Which was a very confusing want back then.

Blah. Better sleep, have to be up in like... seven hours. Sad. Wish me no mean, old ladies.

Blind - K$sha

I am small

I was being inspired for a while, with my writing. I wasn't writing Notches, so shame on me, but I was really enjoying what I was writing. It was just a continuation of this old Harry Potter roleplay that a friend of mine and I used to do. It's been four-five years since we worked on it, so I doubt she'll mind that I took over and wrote some of it.

It was amazing. I was writing something for absolutely no one else but myself. Not that writing Notches is for other people... but it kind of is, right? I expect someone to read it someday, it's pressure because I've taken on this project solo. There used to be two of us, it was so much fun when there was two of us. And now it's just me, and most days I'm perfectly fine with that.

I know what I want to happen. I have some spectacular ideas for the series. I can think about these scenarios for hours and not get bored... But give me a blank page on word and I'm stumped.

It's the beginning that is hard for me. I wrote a scene for season three one day, and it was amazing. I wrote many pages of a very rough draft of this really upsetting scene. But to sit down and write the pilot, and introduce the characters and make them interact together is just... well, it's hard.

I need someone to write this with me, but I don't really know anyone. Except the one person that it all started with, and since she's... well, I don't know what she is - I'm on my own.

In other words, I might be getting a promotion at Target. I've decided that the Fresh Market is probably not a good idea... seeing as how they apparently are only going to give me TWENTY hours a week. WTF Seriously? I can't live off of that. If I get this promotion, I'll be in charge of the photo lab. How cool is that?

Then I think about how stressful all of this is going to be. Working full-time, going to school full-time. When am I going to have a chance to breathe?

And most importantly, when am I going to stop being a lazy ass and write this fucking television series? These scenes are going to slip through my fingers if I don't write them out, y'know?

I just want to be great. Is that so much to ask for?

Breathe Me - Sia

this is more like april fools

SO. Haley and I had a very Harry Potter day Friday. We watched Harry Potter, had dragon snot punch and cockroach clusters, talked about HP things, and we were on our way to see the new Harry Potter movie when something happen.

It's so humiliating but it's also extremely hilarious. We were driving down this country road, cornfields on either side of us and we saw this fog up ahead. This was a warm, dry night... it hadn't been raining at all, and the road was wet. There was this fog crap creeping up from the wet road and we slowed down. We started discussing how weird it looked and were wondering why the road looked like that....

WHEN THIS WATER JUST HIT THE WINDSHIELD. It scared the SHIT out of us. It was the perfect amount of time between us being confused and then RAWR WATER.

... There was a sprinkler watering the cornfields. Bahahahaha. We weren't really thinking clearly, we thought that it was dementors or I was thinking that we were disapperated into a river... we felt SO stupid.

Shark in the Water - V V Brown

EXPECTO PATRONUM.

Financial aid is taken care of. I'll be getting around a thousand dollars back as a refund, which is desperately needed for one of these damn bills. Still waiting to hear back from Fresh Market, spoke to them yesterday and they don't have the results from the background check. Damn, it's been over two weeks.

Having a Harry Potter marathon, occasionally talking to the tv and telling it that it left stuff out. I know, I know, they couldn't fit every detail in the movie. BUT COULD THEY REALLY NOT PUT IN WHO MOONY WORMTAIL PADFOOT AND PRONGS WERE? Really.

Watching Goblet of Fire. Cedric's about to die. :'(

we're bobbing along in our barrel

So I've finished rereading the first two Harry Potter books, and I've just rewatched the movies. And yelled at the tv a lot because they mess things up and it's annoying. I'm halfway through the third book, which is one of my favorites. Because... I love Sirius Black. He is my lover. He just isn't aware, because he's a fictional character and also 'cause, well... he's dead. :( BUT STILL. We are in love, and he's hot. Not Gary Oldman, but actually hot like a younger Trent Reznor.

Anyway, Harry Potter just brings out the fangirl in me. I started watching the third movie, but only watched until I was at the part where I haven't finished in the book. And I squealed because the difference of the appearance of the actors in the second to third movie is insane. Malfoy gets hot. Flitwick and Dumbledore get replaced. (I liked the original Dumbledore, I was really sad when he died.) And they decided that men in their thirties should look like they're fifty. (*cough Lupin Sirius cough*)

I finished my latest television adventure - Wonderfalls. It was an interesting tv show, definitely. My favorite part about it was the wax lion. Everything else that talked was okay, but the wax lion had some attitude. I wish I had him, I'd keep him on my shelf and show him off and be like, "this is my smooshed face wax lion and he tells me to do things"

I hate when I go into watching a show, knowing it only lasted one or two seasons, because I know I'm going to like it but I don't want to, because as soon as I start to like it... it'll be over.

Apparently I'm supposed to watch Smallville. If I had actual readers, I would ask for an opinion on the show. No one reads this, though. Yay.

Also, Torchwood: Miracle Day. A-mazing. The previews for the next episode look insane and awesome. I also can't help but cringe every time I think of the suicide bomber and him still being alive even though he's all charred up, and the most recent episode with the woman in the crushed car. Their lives suck.

It irritates me a little, and I hope it's explained later, but how is it that when JACK died before, he regenerated and was okay in a few hours. When everyone else dies, they just get all charred up and stay that way. Shouldn't they be healing if their roles were simply switched with Jack? Oh, and I have a lesbian crush on Gwen. Can't help it, she's much more bad assier this season.

I started watching Rizzoli and Isles, thinking that I was going to see some cute cop lesbian stuff, but it's most just subtext. Are they going to come out any time soon, or is this just going to be a running thing?

Catching up on Dexter before the new season starts - I love how Showtime replays the entire series before the new season starts up. I missed season five, so this is awesome. Also - the Big C? Definite love there. The first thing I saw of that show was the season one finale final scene, which completely broke my heart and I knew nothing about the characters. Laura Linney is kind of amazing.

Apparently I also need to check out Weeds. I might do this before I consider Smallville, seeing how Weeds is on Showtime and every showtime series that I've watched I've loved, I'll probably like it more. I heard that United States of Tara was canceled. Is that true? Because I haven't seen season three yet, but the first two seasons were AWESOME. Oh, and Nurse Jackie. I've seen the first two seasons of that, can't wait to watch the rest. LOVE Zoey.

Yep. Can't wait for this fall when all of the other shows come back on. Can't wait until January when SHAMELESS returns for it's second season. Hope it can live up to it's amazing first season (yes I'm aware of the BBC show, have seen a few episodes, prefer William H Macy, sorry).

Well, goodnight.

Wonderfalls theme song is stuck in my head.

So I got a rental car. It's pretty gorgeous. It's a 2011 Nissan Altima. And it's prettttttttty. It's blue.

I miss my car, but it's all hurt and needs to be fixed.

I'm still waiting to hear about a new job, but HR is out of their office until tomorrow so... we'll see.

My friends suck. Guys only want me for some dirty skanky sex and no one wants to just HANG out. Blah.

I've never said "no" to sex before. I did yesterday, and it was like that basically had no effect at all. It made me feel things. Things I don't completely understand. Like dirty and unimportant. We didn't have sex, but it took like ten minutes of me saying "No" until the trying to sex me up actually stopped.

Whatever.

Watching Grey's, no music. Just lots of blood.

in slow motion, the blast is beautiful

So I woke up this morning at 7:30. I got ready for work, anticipating making free Starbucks samples today and getting to drink them. Since I can't afford to actually buy Starbucks, and Target is too cheap and selfish to let us actually make ourselves an occasional free drink.

I took off at a reasonable time to allow myself to get to work. Picked a playlist on my MP3 and set off for work. Somewhere a Clock is Ticking by Snow Patrol was blaring and I was driving down a country road when all of a fucking sudden, there was a car pulling out right in front of me.

I slammed on my breaks, but it was like slow motion. All that I could hear in my brain was STOP STOP STOP. But he was too close, and I hit him.

I watched my car hit the driver's side of his dark blue chevy, and watched it go into a small ditch. My hands were shaking as I threw the door open and watched him get out of his car. After him telling me that he was okay, I got my phone out and called my mother. Because, while almost being twenty-three years of age, my first instinct when there's trouble - is talk to my mommy.

After I told her what happened and asked her to come to the scene, I dialed 911. Explained that we needed a police and that no one was injured.

So this wreck was clearly not my fault. An old man pulled out in front of me and I hit him. He tried to claim that I was going 65 miles an hour, but I swear he had no idea how fast I was going - his face wasn't even pointed toward my direction. He had no idea that I was there. Then the cop said "Sir, it doesn't matter if she was going eighty, you still pulled out in front of her and this wreck is your fault."

I watched them tow away my car. My car that I just got two months ago, that's not new to the world but new to me. My first NICE car. My 2007 Ford Fusion was all fucked up on the passenger side front end of the car.

Sad face.

I miss my car.

In other words, I've basically gotten a new job. It's at the Fresh Market, which pays more than Target (STARTING), and seems like a lot less sucky of an environment. I just have to wait until they run my background check, and then I've got the job. Part-time bakery. I'm gonna gain so much weight.

I have my classes registered and I'm getting my books on Wednesday. Going back to school starting August 23rd.

So there's a little update. My head hurts.

Somewhere a Clock is Ticking - Snow Patrol

true, though the imprint is deep in me, it will always be up to me

Just finished the Glee finale with Matty and James, made us dinner (potato soup, grilled cheese with bacon sandwhiches, salads and cherry limeade), just finished cleaing up after us.

So... I FINALLY GOT A NEW CAR. Oh my gosh, it's so pretty. I was freaking out because everything was just getting really overwhelming and I was thinking that I'd never ever be able to afford a new car, and then we found this car. And I really can't afford this one either, but it's prettyyyyy. It's a 2007 Ford Fusion in dark maroon. And it's so shiny and happy.

I'm going to be paying on it for forever and a half, but my credit score will be AMAZING once it's paid off. Which means, you guessed it - student loans and school time! Columbia College, just give me a couple of years to finish establishing my credit, and I'm all yours.

Wow, that's kind of sad. That I have to finance a car and pay it off JUST To be able to get a loan to go to college on my own. My life sucks. Bahahaha.

Anyway, I've been writing more for Notches. Because I'm awesome. Getting on track with life and stuff. Still job hunting for a job that actually pays and doesn't make me hate life. Going back to school this fall, talked to one of my teachers from Columbia and she sent me all of my required courses for Television so I know what gen eds to take.

Yep. I'm doing awesome.

Haven't spoken to Justin in a while. Which is fine, 'cause I'm done with the drama of being in a non relationship or whatever the fuck it was.

So yep! Planning a trip to Chicago this fall. Possibly a Birthday present to myself? :)

Genetic Emancipation - Repo! The Genetic Opera

c'mon friends, get up now you're not alone at all

Had Matty and James over for a little new Glee episode watching party. We had tacos.

They totally freaked me out, 'cause I didn't think that the person who's going to die was going to die in this episode, and they were CONVINCED that they would die. And I'm like, "No way." And then Matty started freaking out and saying "It's Blaine! It's Blaine!" (I'm really not sure that that's how you spell his name, but it's how I fucking spell his name damn it.) And I'm like, "No! it can't be!"

And they were convinced that it was going to be him, and I was getting freaked out. And the ending started getting ALL HAPPY and I was like, "Shit" because when someone dies, it's usually when everything's super happy. Right?

... No one died. Hahaha.

I wrote six pages of Notches last night! I listened to Christina Perri's CD on repeat all night last night (it came out today, bought the MP3 album on amazon at midnight, I'm cool) and just sat there and wrote six pages of season three. I'm quite proud of myself.

I'm in a sad mood. Probably going to write some more now. Mwahahaha.

Comes and Goes (In Waves) - Greg Laswell

how the hell does a broken heart get back together when it's torn apart

So apparently my supervisor thought that the note that stupid cunt wrote about me isn't grounds for a talking to. She doesn't want to get involved.

Okay, whatever. Just one more reason I won't feel bad when I find a better job and say "fuck you, bitches."

Here's a little cryptic thought for ya. I missed her really bad this weekend.

Bluebird - Christina Perri

children waiting for the day they feel good

I turned the note into my supervisor, they're going to talk to her about it. 'Cause she's a stupid, ghetto ass cunt who needs to....

Anyway.

I applied to this new grocery store that's opening up in town today. They're having basically everything, 'cause they haven't even opened yet. I applied for Bakery and Candy/Coffee. They're both full-time, so we'll see what happens with that.

I'm almost finished with the series Caprica. Just one more disc left, and I'm really sad that it'll be over after that, 'cause I really wanted to see how all of the cylon shit got out of hand and I'm betting there won't be nearly enough time on the last disc. Sad.

It has stopped raining for... two days now! It's supposed to storm tomorrow, though. :(

Photolab the next two days, then I'm off for two days. Yay!

Mad World - The Red Paintings (cover)

I don't have to pay for this shit

So my MRI came back normal. Yay! I haven't gotten the results yet for my bloodwork, but yay for no tumors or whatever. Right?

Okay, so I had the MRI yesterday. It sucked a lot more than they make it sounds in Grey's, 'cause they're basically like "He needs an MRI." like it's nothing. It really wasn't bad, as long as you're not claustrophobic. Which I'm not. But you lay perfectly still in this big machine and you're smooshed in there and they put things around your head and then sponges on either side of your head so you can't move it. And that made me start thinking about the Green Mile and how the guy forgot to wet the sponge and then I was like, "Maybe I'm really getting electrocuted today and it was all a trap!" And that would've really sucked, 'cause not only would I have voluntarily died with no reason, but I would have had to pay for it! Yeah, they charged me $75. Wouldn't that suck?

I had a lot of time to think those twenty minutes. Mostly all I could think about was the really loud noises that the machine makes in your ear. Blah.

Then the bloodwork. I really hate needles. I know that like, everyone says that and I know that I'm not super bad with needles. But it's really just unpleasant. I sat there and was like, "Don't tell me what you're doing, I'm just gonna play bubbles." And it was over before I knew it. But I also hadn't eaten in HOURS so I felt really weak afterwards. And then I went to Chick Fil A like a bad person, because they apparently don't like the gays. But I REALLY wanted a chicken sandwhich. :(

Then I went to see my sister who was having a rough day, so I brought her a slice of pizza from the mall. Then Matty and I went to his place after he got off of work and we watched Easy A which was a GREAT movie.

And some stupid cunt at work wrote this really rude note about me. So I'm turning it into my supervisor because I have seniority and she can't talk about me like that so publically. Dumb cunt.

OH! And Donna conviniently didn't notice that the cheese warmer was leaking. So when I came in I opened it up to see what was up and a bad of cheese had busted and leaked ALL OVER the inside of the warmer. Holy shit it was disgusting. I probably won't eat anything with nacho cheese on it for a while.

So I cleaned that shit up, which took FOREVER and then Justin my non relationship fuck buddy came to my work and acted really douchey and overall it was a pretty shitty day. :)

Chemo Limo - Regina Spektor

you've got me tangled like a bread tie twister

It's sunny today!

Went to the neurologist yesterday because I've been having really bad headaches for over a year. I have to start eating three meals a day and drink more water blah blah blah. I'm also getting an MRI and some blood work done on Tues. Scary needles...

I think I also broke up my nonrelationship with Justin yesterday. Fuck him.

Around My Head - Cage the Elephant

I hope I'm on the bright side

It is stormin' non stop, guys. I tried to take my friend home last night after an evening of Harry Potter and fried chicken, and it rained so hard and the wind was blowing so bad that we had to pull over and I almost hit a fucking pole. It was pretty scary, 'cause the whole time I was picturing a tornado killing us both all in the name of Voldemort. That bastard.

I registered for classes! I just have to do another promissory note and all that stupid shit to get my student loan through, and I'm all set. I'm taking algebra (blech), English 111, Philosophy 101, and some humanities class that I completely forgot what it's about. :)

We have a list of classes that I've decided to take for spring semester, but I can change them if I change my mind. They are biology, psych, sociologoy, a computer class that teachers excel and all that stuff, and philosophy 102. I sure hope I like philosophy 'cause I've never taken philosophy in my entire life. haha

So yep. Mother nature's being a bitch.

The Last Great Star in Hollywood - Meg & Dia

to die by your side is such a heavenly way to die

I didn't have to take my assessment test today because they just pulled my old scores up. Sweet! I have an appointment with an advisor on Monday so that I can register for classes and get my shit together.

I might write some tonight. The Smiths make me think of a Notches character. Might do some writing for her tonight. I need to make a special Smiths/Morrissey playlist though. Hmm...

There is a Light that Never Goes Out - The Smiths

you see through me like I'm not there

So I'm going to the local community college tomorrow to do my assessment test and hopefully go ahead and register for classes. I wish I didn't have to take these tests, I already know that I'm horrible at math and decent in English. The only thing I have a trouble with in English is research papers... They're evil!

Hopefully physically being there will help me get things moved along, because I have a real hard time getting anyone in admissions on the phone... even if I freakin' leave them a buncha voicemails. Whatever.

I have a few days off coming up... I'd really like to go out and unwind a little with some friends, but they all seem kind of tied up with their own lives. Sad day.

Glass - Ingrid Michaelson

for a lonely soul you're having such a nice time

I think I have a serious problem. One that I probably need to schedule a therapy session for, but I don't have the money for a co-pay.

I don't feel anything for people anymore. I'm sure it's just a phase, post-being depressed my whole life, post-losing someone very close to me, post-losing another person, post-losing yet another person, post-getting one of them back, post-being a fuck buddy with a thirty-three year old who wants to be serious, post-hating my fucking life and not knowing how to truly express it to anyone.

The only thing I feel anymore is anger. If I want to feel anything else, I can only get it from ficitional characters on a television screen. I know that I care about real people, but I forgot how to. I feel that if I get way too close to anyone again, it's just going to end up fucking me over and I'm going to be right back where I was two years ago. And I'm blocked. I just want to stand out in the pouring rain and scream at the top of my lungs. I want music to swell and a man to wrap me in his embrace and tell me that I'm fucking perfect.

Someone who actually gets me. Or at least a part of me. Because I'll tell you right now, I feel like no one fucking understands anything that I'm feeling. Not like anyone ever really did, and that's probably why I was so down in it for the longest time. And then when I realized that so much of what I cared about was complete and total bullshit, I lost it. And now I feel like a shell.

And I'm pretty sure that this isn't true, that I do care, but when people talk, when people are around me... I just want to scream. And when I'm alone? Same want.

I got dangerously close to self-injuring recently. But then I'm like, "What the fuck am I gonna tell someone?" 'Cause I mean, I do have sex and stuff, so if I've got these injuries - no matter where on my body that they might be - what's my excuse? "Oh yeah.. I cut myself on the corner of my car door..." Very convincing.

There's always alcohol, but that generally leaves me with a headache the next day and I have to work the next six days in a row, so probably not the best of ideas. I feel like if I just stopped existing... the only people who would notice, are the ones who expect me to be at work every day to do a job that I don't get paid nearly enough for. I haven't talked to any of my friends in over four days, and they haven't noticed. Or maybe they just don't care. And I know this is old me talking, this is the me that used to cut herself and cry every night and wear all black and I know that I'm not really that person anymore. And at the same time, I just want to curl up on the couch and watch old disney shows and have my mommy make me soup and pretend that I'm five and I don't register any of the bullshit that's floating around.

Ah, fuck it. I'm sure laying in the dark and watching Grey's Anatomy is all that I need.

Nothing in My Way - Keane

this is my life not a game of poker

I fucking hate my fucking job. My entire body aches.

Fuck you fucking assholes who go out and go shopping because the stupid weather is nice. Fuck you all.

I totally felt like I was in Clerks on Saturday. I was supposed to be off. Do you know how long it's been since I've had a fucking Saturday off? But I'm a nice person and took someone's shift on Saturday. 7 am to 3:30. It was absolutely horrible. Then I worked yesterday, Sunday. Terrible. I was extremeley close to quitting.

Now I have to go back today. At least it's Monday and people shouldn't be flooding. Plus, it's my Monday night crew - so that always helps.

Havcn't had time to write anymore. Haven't had fucking time to even take care of myself. I really hope that a certain someone's up for spending the evening with me tomorrow on my day off. A foot message would be like, a fucking godsend right now too.

Game Over - V V Brown

I am waiting to make somebody somebody

I become inspired last night and have now written four pages of the pilot episode of Notches. It feels really good to be writing again. I have moved my computer back into my bedroom (with the help of the wireless router that James installed for us) and am ready to start that whole writing thing again for real.

My life needs something more lately. It's mostly work. Work. Television. Ocassional sex and hanging out with friends.

I also inspired myself to do my resume and have applied for two jobs today. One is a receptionist at a dental office, the other is a sales associate at a pool place. While the pool place isn't ideal, it has benefits and pays a buck more an hour. I'd really like to get a receptionist position, though. I'm going to keep trying until I get a phone call from someone.

I'd really like to get a nine to five and then attend school in the evenings this fall. I'd like to take the next couple of years to get as many general education courses out of the way as possible and I'll hopefully be able to go back to Columbia in a couple of years. I need to wait until I'm twenty-four so that I will be able to apply for financial aid as an independant. Either that, or i could always gets married to a gay man for the benefits. Right?

Tyler and I at work were joking about this earlier this week. He got down on one knee and proposed to me with a little ring he had been wearing "Will you marry me for financial aid benefits." Bahaha. It was funny. Right smack inthe middle of the electronics section. People stared.

This is why I almost don't want to find a new job. I love a lot of people that I work with. They're so fun and I would really miss them.

Blah.

Off to bed. Work tomorrow. And the next day. And many days after that.

Are We There Yet? - Ingrid Michaelson

in my past, bittersweet, and no love between the sheets

I just saw I Am Number Four. LOVED it.

The new Glee episode was amazing. The new Shameless is pulling at my heartstrings and making me feel very depressed that there's only two more episodes left.

Battlestar Galactica is almost finished, on the last season. Very shocking season finale, revealed four of the five final cylons. WHO THE FUCK IS THE FIFTH? 'Cause there's like, two now or something. Starbuck and that one woman married to Saw that I can never remember her name... I did cry when she died, though. But wtf? I'm very confused and haven't had a chance to watch in a couple of days.

Justin bought me dinner last night, which was very nice. And we had sex, twice. And, I can officially say now that I have had unprotected sex. Yes. Last night was my first time without a condom. The best part? After we had sex and we were watching Dexter, we just started fucking on the living room floor. So hot. :)

I'm hoping that he wants to do something tomorrow, too, because after all of the stress sex is one of the very few things that makes me feel awesome.

Speaking of stress, I need a new job. Seriously. I should probably be working on a resume right now, because I want a nice job. A nine to five, wear nice clothes, make amazing pay, have paid vacation... job. Justin and I would like to take a trip to Chicago this summer. I would really like to be able to take a few days off and not worry about how the fuck I'm going to afford anything when I come back... y'know?

I really fucking hope we go to Chicago, though. We'll share a hotel room and have tons of sex and have epic burger. That would be so loverly. He also wants to make sure it's a hotel with a pool, 'cause he wants to go swimming and then take me back to the hotel and fuck like bunnies. Which sounds so fucking nice right now.

Wow, I talk about sex a lot. It's on the brain, I guess.

Okay.... things that don't involve sex... Oh! Haley and I are going to go to the zoo together soon. We're thinking about going at the end of March when she's on spring break, hopefully I'll have a day off where it'll be nice outside and not piss pouring outside because it seriously won't stop raining. My usual route to work is flooded. Yes, very much flooded. And what did it do all day today? Rain. I haven't been able to go my usual route in over a week because it won't stop fucking raining. ALL summer long I wished it would rain and it didn't. And the water tasted nasty and the sewers smelled horrible and it still wouldn't rain.

Then winter hits. And it snows. It fucking snows a lot. And I nearly die on the way home from work on Christmas Eve because my car sucks and it's snowing like a bitch and I slide and feel like I might die. And now it's getting warmer and it's fucking raining like a mother fucking whore. Flooding my routes and leaking into my driver's side of my car, 'cause you know I'm too fucking broke to afford to get the god damn rubber weather thing fixed on my door.

Blah.

Shake Me Down - Cage the Elephant

I will turn myself around, don't you try to stop me

Do you ever need sex? Like.. it's a crazy wild animal that's about to tear through your soul and start killing if you don't have some sex?

It's been about two weeks. Maybe I should get this sex addiction checked out.

But seriously, I'm twenty-two years old, friends with benefiting a 33 year-old who is moody and going through a post mid-life crisis. Sucks.

I just like... I NEED SEX, y'know?

In other news, I began training at photo lab this week at good ol' Target. It's pretty dull, but I did spent a lot of time talking television with the guy training me. Which as everyone knows! Totally my favorite subject.

There's this guy in electronics named Matt, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't like me. And I think he's a douchebag for not liking me, 'cause I'm awesome. :)

Nothing too eventful... It's Tuesday night and haven't had my weekly dose of sex because Justin's being moody, as I said before. It's really pissing me off, but it's probably my own fault for not y'know... getting out there and meeting new fuck buddies. Blah.

It's also apparently official that B and I are no longer friends - she defriended me on Facebook.

Well, this kept me busy for an entire length of a song. Oh, here's something weird... I had a sex dream about Zachary Levi last night. It was totally random, I haven't watched Chuck in... days!

Alice - Avril Lavigne

this love has dried up and stayed behind

So there's a new series on Showtime called "Shameless." I don't know if you've heard of it, but it's pretty fucking fantastic.

Basically, it's about a family who lives in Chicago

Frank is the alcoholic single parent father.
Fiona is his eldest daughter who takes care of everyone... including Frank.
Lip is this very cute oldest brother who's super smart... and gets blowjobs from one of the girls that he tutors ;)
Ian the closet gay brother who's sleeping with his married boss
Deborah, who breaks my heart and cracks me up at the same time
Carl... who's kind of there
Liam the adorable baby who happens to be a little on the black side, clearly not actually Franks. :D

So they all live in Chicago and well... it's fantastic. Shit, watch the trailer or something.

Justin was talking about the show with me and wondered if there are really families like this. And I'm not saying my family is nearly like this, but some of the things that Frank does/says remind me of my dad so bad, it's kind of scary.

Anyway, I'm in love with the show. :)

Decided that I'm not going back to the theme park this summer. It was a tough-ish decision, mostly because it's been my job the past four summers... but, shit... it sucked last year. And they're training me in the photo lab at Target next week, so I'll be getting enough hours. And fuck me, I'm going back to school in the fall. So there.

So yeah. Watch Shameless.

:)

First Love - Adele

PS - I had lime juice squirted on me and licked off tonight. It was pretty fucking hot. Yeah, you're jealous.

show me when it rains, the place you go to hide

Listening to Emiliana Torrini is kind of painful. Not because she isn't good, because she's amazing. But when I first discovered her and became a little obsessed with her music, was two years ago. This was when I was leaving a friendship that had meant the world to me.

It's really strange to think that it's been about two years since I stopped being friends with this person. You know how you think you have a person that you couldn't possibly live without? Well, I did. After that friendship came to a painful end (that was dragged out for way too long), I ended another friendship with someone else that I thought that I couldn't live without. And I felt numb.

The latter friend and I are friends again, but it made me realize that... no one's irreplaceable. Except when I listen to Emiliana Torrini and I remember the sadness and then I think that it might be impossible to forget about some people, to feel completely numb about them.

Makes me feel like I shouldn't be listening to this. But the hell, it's good music.

Birds - Emiliana Torrini