you've got me tangled like a bread tie twister

It's sunny today!

Went to the neurologist yesterday because I've been having really bad headaches for over a year. I have to start eating three meals a day and drink more water blah blah blah. I'm also getting an MRI and some blood work done on Tues. Scary needles...

I think I also broke up my nonrelationship with Justin yesterday. Fuck him.

Around My Head - Cage the Elephant

I hope I'm on the bright side

It is stormin' non stop, guys. I tried to take my friend home last night after an evening of Harry Potter and fried chicken, and it rained so hard and the wind was blowing so bad that we had to pull over and I almost hit a fucking pole. It was pretty scary, 'cause the whole time I was picturing a tornado killing us both all in the name of Voldemort. That bastard.

I registered for classes! I just have to do another promissory note and all that stupid shit to get my student loan through, and I'm all set. I'm taking algebra (blech), English 111, Philosophy 101, and some humanities class that I completely forgot what it's about. :)

We have a list of classes that I've decided to take for spring semester, but I can change them if I change my mind. They are biology, psych, sociologoy, a computer class that teachers excel and all that stuff, and philosophy 102. I sure hope I like philosophy 'cause I've never taken philosophy in my entire life. haha

So yep. Mother nature's being a bitch.

The Last Great Star in Hollywood - Meg & Dia

to die by your side is such a heavenly way to die

I didn't have to take my assessment test today because they just pulled my old scores up. Sweet! I have an appointment with an advisor on Monday so that I can register for classes and get my shit together.

I might write some tonight. The Smiths make me think of a Notches character. Might do some writing for her tonight. I need to make a special Smiths/Morrissey playlist though. Hmm...

There is a Light that Never Goes Out - The Smiths

you see through me like I'm not there

So I'm going to the local community college tomorrow to do my assessment test and hopefully go ahead and register for classes. I wish I didn't have to take these tests, I already know that I'm horrible at math and decent in English. The only thing I have a trouble with in English is research papers... They're evil!

Hopefully physically being there will help me get things moved along, because I have a real hard time getting anyone in admissions on the phone... even if I freakin' leave them a buncha voicemails. Whatever.

I have a few days off coming up... I'd really like to go out and unwind a little with some friends, but they all seem kind of tied up with their own lives. Sad day.

Glass - Ingrid Michaelson

for a lonely soul you're having such a nice time

I think I have a serious problem. One that I probably need to schedule a therapy session for, but I don't have the money for a co-pay.

I don't feel anything for people anymore. I'm sure it's just a phase, post-being depressed my whole life, post-losing someone very close to me, post-losing another person, post-losing yet another person, post-getting one of them back, post-being a fuck buddy with a thirty-three year old who wants to be serious, post-hating my fucking life and not knowing how to truly express it to anyone.

The only thing I feel anymore is anger. If I want to feel anything else, I can only get it from ficitional characters on a television screen. I know that I care about real people, but I forgot how to. I feel that if I get way too close to anyone again, it's just going to end up fucking me over and I'm going to be right back where I was two years ago. And I'm blocked. I just want to stand out in the pouring rain and scream at the top of my lungs. I want music to swell and a man to wrap me in his embrace and tell me that I'm fucking perfect.

Someone who actually gets me. Or at least a part of me. Because I'll tell you right now, I feel like no one fucking understands anything that I'm feeling. Not like anyone ever really did, and that's probably why I was so down in it for the longest time. And then when I realized that so much of what I cared about was complete and total bullshit, I lost it. And now I feel like a shell.

And I'm pretty sure that this isn't true, that I do care, but when people talk, when people are around me... I just want to scream. And when I'm alone? Same want.

I got dangerously close to self-injuring recently. But then I'm like, "What the fuck am I gonna tell someone?" 'Cause I mean, I do have sex and stuff, so if I've got these injuries - no matter where on my body that they might be - what's my excuse? "Oh yeah.. I cut myself on the corner of my car door..." Very convincing.

There's always alcohol, but that generally leaves me with a headache the next day and I have to work the next six days in a row, so probably not the best of ideas. I feel like if I just stopped existing... the only people who would notice, are the ones who expect me to be at work every day to do a job that I don't get paid nearly enough for. I haven't talked to any of my friends in over four days, and they haven't noticed. Or maybe they just don't care. And I know this is old me talking, this is the me that used to cut herself and cry every night and wear all black and I know that I'm not really that person anymore. And at the same time, I just want to curl up on the couch and watch old disney shows and have my mommy make me soup and pretend that I'm five and I don't register any of the bullshit that's floating around.

Ah, fuck it. I'm sure laying in the dark and watching Grey's Anatomy is all that I need.

Nothing in My Way - Keane