for a lonely soul you're having such a nice time

I think I have a serious problem. One that I probably need to schedule a therapy session for, but I don't have the money for a co-pay.

I don't feel anything for people anymore. I'm sure it's just a phase, post-being depressed my whole life, post-losing someone very close to me, post-losing another person, post-losing yet another person, post-getting one of them back, post-being a fuck buddy with a thirty-three year old who wants to be serious, post-hating my fucking life and not knowing how to truly express it to anyone.

The only thing I feel anymore is anger. If I want to feel anything else, I can only get it from ficitional characters on a television screen. I know that I care about real people, but I forgot how to. I feel that if I get way too close to anyone again, it's just going to end up fucking me over and I'm going to be right back where I was two years ago. And I'm blocked. I just want to stand out in the pouring rain and scream at the top of my lungs. I want music to swell and a man to wrap me in his embrace and tell me that I'm fucking perfect.

Someone who actually gets me. Or at least a part of me. Because I'll tell you right now, I feel like no one fucking understands anything that I'm feeling. Not like anyone ever really did, and that's probably why I was so down in it for the longest time. And then when I realized that so much of what I cared about was complete and total bullshit, I lost it. And now I feel like a shell.

And I'm pretty sure that this isn't true, that I do care, but when people talk, when people are around me... I just want to scream. And when I'm alone? Same want.

I got dangerously close to self-injuring recently. But then I'm like, "What the fuck am I gonna tell someone?" 'Cause I mean, I do have sex and stuff, so if I've got these injuries - no matter where on my body that they might be - what's my excuse? "Oh yeah.. I cut myself on the corner of my car door..." Very convincing.

There's always alcohol, but that generally leaves me with a headache the next day and I have to work the next six days in a row, so probably not the best of ideas. I feel like if I just stopped existing... the only people who would notice, are the ones who expect me to be at work every day to do a job that I don't get paid nearly enough for. I haven't talked to any of my friends in over four days, and they haven't noticed. Or maybe they just don't care. And I know this is old me talking, this is the me that used to cut herself and cry every night and wear all black and I know that I'm not really that person anymore. And at the same time, I just want to curl up on the couch and watch old disney shows and have my mommy make me soup and pretend that I'm five and I don't register any of the bullshit that's floating around.

Ah, fuck it. I'm sure laying in the dark and watching Grey's Anatomy is all that I need.

Nothing in My Way - Keane

this is my life not a game of poker

I fucking hate my fucking job. My entire body aches.

Fuck you fucking assholes who go out and go shopping because the stupid weather is nice. Fuck you all.

I totally felt like I was in Clerks on Saturday. I was supposed to be off. Do you know how long it's been since I've had a fucking Saturday off? But I'm a nice person and took someone's shift on Saturday. 7 am to 3:30. It was absolutely horrible. Then I worked yesterday, Sunday. Terrible. I was extremeley close to quitting.

Now I have to go back today. At least it's Monday and people shouldn't be flooding. Plus, it's my Monday night crew - so that always helps.

Havcn't had time to write anymore. Haven't had fucking time to even take care of myself. I really hope that a certain someone's up for spending the evening with me tomorrow on my day off. A foot message would be like, a fucking godsend right now too.

Game Over - V V Brown

I am waiting to make somebody somebody

I become inspired last night and have now written four pages of the pilot episode of Notches. It feels really good to be writing again. I have moved my computer back into my bedroom (with the help of the wireless router that James installed for us) and am ready to start that whole writing thing again for real.

My life needs something more lately. It's mostly work. Work. Television. Ocassional sex and hanging out with friends.

I also inspired myself to do my resume and have applied for two jobs today. One is a receptionist at a dental office, the other is a sales associate at a pool place. While the pool place isn't ideal, it has benefits and pays a buck more an hour. I'd really like to get a receptionist position, though. I'm going to keep trying until I get a phone call from someone.

I'd really like to get a nine to five and then attend school in the evenings this fall. I'd like to take the next couple of years to get as many general education courses out of the way as possible and I'll hopefully be able to go back to Columbia in a couple of years. I need to wait until I'm twenty-four so that I will be able to apply for financial aid as an independant. Either that, or i could always gets married to a gay man for the benefits. Right?

Tyler and I at work were joking about this earlier this week. He got down on one knee and proposed to me with a little ring he had been wearing "Will you marry me for financial aid benefits." Bahaha. It was funny. Right smack inthe middle of the electronics section. People stared.

This is why I almost don't want to find a new job. I love a lot of people that I work with. They're so fun and I would really miss them.

Blah.

Off to bed. Work tomorrow. And the next day. And many days after that.

Are We There Yet? - Ingrid Michaelson

in my past, bittersweet, and no love between the sheets

I just saw I Am Number Four. LOVED it.

The new Glee episode was amazing. The new Shameless is pulling at my heartstrings and making me feel very depressed that there's only two more episodes left.

Battlestar Galactica is almost finished, on the last season. Very shocking season finale, revealed four of the five final cylons. WHO THE FUCK IS THE FIFTH? 'Cause there's like, two now or something. Starbuck and that one woman married to Saw that I can never remember her name... I did cry when she died, though. But wtf? I'm very confused and haven't had a chance to watch in a couple of days.

Justin bought me dinner last night, which was very nice. And we had sex, twice. And, I can officially say now that I have had unprotected sex. Yes. Last night was my first time without a condom. The best part? After we had sex and we were watching Dexter, we just started fucking on the living room floor. So hot. :)

I'm hoping that he wants to do something tomorrow, too, because after all of the stress sex is one of the very few things that makes me feel awesome.

Speaking of stress, I need a new job. Seriously. I should probably be working on a resume right now, because I want a nice job. A nine to five, wear nice clothes, make amazing pay, have paid vacation... job. Justin and I would like to take a trip to Chicago this summer. I would really like to be able to take a few days off and not worry about how the fuck I'm going to afford anything when I come back... y'know?

I really fucking hope we go to Chicago, though. We'll share a hotel room and have tons of sex and have epic burger. That would be so loverly. He also wants to make sure it's a hotel with a pool, 'cause he wants to go swimming and then take me back to the hotel and fuck like bunnies. Which sounds so fucking nice right now.

Wow, I talk about sex a lot. It's on the brain, I guess.

Okay.... things that don't involve sex... Oh! Haley and I are going to go to the zoo together soon. We're thinking about going at the end of March when she's on spring break, hopefully I'll have a day off where it'll be nice outside and not piss pouring outside because it seriously won't stop raining. My usual route to work is flooded. Yes, very much flooded. And what did it do all day today? Rain. I haven't been able to go my usual route in over a week because it won't stop fucking raining. ALL summer long I wished it would rain and it didn't. And the water tasted nasty and the sewers smelled horrible and it still wouldn't rain.

Then winter hits. And it snows. It fucking snows a lot. And I nearly die on the way home from work on Christmas Eve because my car sucks and it's snowing like a bitch and I slide and feel like I might die. And now it's getting warmer and it's fucking raining like a mother fucking whore. Flooding my routes and leaking into my driver's side of my car, 'cause you know I'm too fucking broke to afford to get the god damn rubber weather thing fixed on my door.

Blah.

Shake Me Down - Cage the Elephant

I will turn myself around, don't you try to stop me

Do you ever need sex? Like.. it's a crazy wild animal that's about to tear through your soul and start killing if you don't have some sex?

It's been about two weeks. Maybe I should get this sex addiction checked out.

But seriously, I'm twenty-two years old, friends with benefiting a 33 year-old who is moody and going through a post mid-life crisis. Sucks.

I just like... I NEED SEX, y'know?

In other news, I began training at photo lab this week at good ol' Target. It's pretty dull, but I did spent a lot of time talking television with the guy training me. Which as everyone knows! Totally my favorite subject.

There's this guy in electronics named Matt, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't like me. And I think he's a douchebag for not liking me, 'cause I'm awesome. :)

Nothing too eventful... It's Tuesday night and haven't had my weekly dose of sex because Justin's being moody, as I said before. It's really pissing me off, but it's probably my own fault for not y'know... getting out there and meeting new fuck buddies. Blah.

It's also apparently official that B and I are no longer friends - she defriended me on Facebook.

Well, this kept me busy for an entire length of a song. Oh, here's something weird... I had a sex dream about Zachary Levi last night. It was totally random, I haven't watched Chuck in... days!

Alice - Avril Lavigne

this love has dried up and stayed behind

So there's a new series on Showtime called "Shameless." I don't know if you've heard of it, but it's pretty fucking fantastic.

Basically, it's about a family who lives in Chicago

Frank is the alcoholic single parent father.
Fiona is his eldest daughter who takes care of everyone... including Frank.
Lip is this very cute oldest brother who's super smart... and gets blowjobs from one of the girls that he tutors ;)
Ian the closet gay brother who's sleeping with his married boss
Deborah, who breaks my heart and cracks me up at the same time
Carl... who's kind of there
Liam the adorable baby who happens to be a little on the black side, clearly not actually Franks. :D

So they all live in Chicago and well... it's fantastic. Shit, watch the trailer or something.

Justin was talking about the show with me and wondered if there are really families like this. And I'm not saying my family is nearly like this, but some of the things that Frank does/says remind me of my dad so bad, it's kind of scary.

Anyway, I'm in love with the show. :)

Decided that I'm not going back to the theme park this summer. It was a tough-ish decision, mostly because it's been my job the past four summers... but, shit... it sucked last year. And they're training me in the photo lab at Target next week, so I'll be getting enough hours. And fuck me, I'm going back to school in the fall. So there.

So yeah. Watch Shameless.

:)

First Love - Adele

PS - I had lime juice squirted on me and licked off tonight. It was pretty fucking hot. Yeah, you're jealous.

show me when it rains, the place you go to hide

Listening to Emiliana Torrini is kind of painful. Not because she isn't good, because she's amazing. But when I first discovered her and became a little obsessed with her music, was two years ago. This was when I was leaving a friendship that had meant the world to me.

It's really strange to think that it's been about two years since I stopped being friends with this person. You know how you think you have a person that you couldn't possibly live without? Well, I did. After that friendship came to a painful end (that was dragged out for way too long), I ended another friendship with someone else that I thought that I couldn't live without. And I felt numb.

The latter friend and I are friends again, but it made me realize that... no one's irreplaceable. Except when I listen to Emiliana Torrini and I remember the sadness and then I think that it might be impossible to forget about some people, to feel completely numb about them.

Makes me feel like I shouldn't be listening to this. But the hell, it's good music.

Birds - Emiliana Torrini