for a lonely soul you're having such a nice time

I think I have a serious problem. One that I probably need to schedule a therapy session for, but I don't have the money for a co-pay.

I don't feel anything for people anymore. I'm sure it's just a phase, post-being depressed my whole life, post-losing someone very close to me, post-losing another person, post-losing yet another person, post-getting one of them back, post-being a fuck buddy with a thirty-three year old who wants to be serious, post-hating my fucking life and not knowing how to truly express it to anyone.

The only thing I feel anymore is anger. If I want to feel anything else, I can only get it from ficitional characters on a television screen. I know that I care about real people, but I forgot how to. I feel that if I get way too close to anyone again, it's just going to end up fucking me over and I'm going to be right back where I was two years ago. And I'm blocked. I just want to stand out in the pouring rain and scream at the top of my lungs. I want music to swell and a man to wrap me in his embrace and tell me that I'm fucking perfect.

Someone who actually gets me. Or at least a part of me. Because I'll tell you right now, I feel like no one fucking understands anything that I'm feeling. Not like anyone ever really did, and that's probably why I was so down in it for the longest time. And then when I realized that so much of what I cared about was complete and total bullshit, I lost it. And now I feel like a shell.

And I'm pretty sure that this isn't true, that I do care, but when people talk, when people are around me... I just want to scream. And when I'm alone? Same want.

I got dangerously close to self-injuring recently. But then I'm like, "What the fuck am I gonna tell someone?" 'Cause I mean, I do have sex and stuff, so if I've got these injuries - no matter where on my body that they might be - what's my excuse? "Oh yeah.. I cut myself on the corner of my car door..." Very convincing.

There's always alcohol, but that generally leaves me with a headache the next day and I have to work the next six days in a row, so probably not the best of ideas. I feel like if I just stopped existing... the only people who would notice, are the ones who expect me to be at work every day to do a job that I don't get paid nearly enough for. I haven't talked to any of my friends in over four days, and they haven't noticed. Or maybe they just don't care. And I know this is old me talking, this is the me that used to cut herself and cry every night and wear all black and I know that I'm not really that person anymore. And at the same time, I just want to curl up on the couch and watch old disney shows and have my mommy make me soup and pretend that I'm five and I don't register any of the bullshit that's floating around.

Ah, fuck it. I'm sure laying in the dark and watching Grey's Anatomy is all that I need.

Nothing in My Way - Keane